“In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.” 1 Peter 3:7
1998 & 1999 were hard on us. We were settling in as a married couple, fighting over the silliest things, getting on each other’s nerves, spending every free moment together, and falling deeper in love. I actually thought that we wouldn’t make it after the first 15 months. I wondered if every couple argued like we did? It was two wildly different people trying to control one another. One of us passively (me), and the other one aggressively. I couldn’t seem to make her happy and she couldn’t seem to live up to my expectations. It was disastrous. I was praying ineffectively for God to change her and He kept pointing at me. Ugh, I didn’t like that!
Everything changed in 2000 when Kristi’s dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. We felt so far away! We looked at each other and said, “let’s move to Oklahoma!” 4 words we didn’t think we’d ever say. I went to work and put in my two-week notice, Kristi did the same and we packed up our stuff and moved – no job, no house, just us. We lived with Kristi’s parents for a month until we found a Condo for sale in OKC. Our time with them was sweet and bonding. We came to see a couple that had unified through struggle and health crisis. Jim loves Linda unconditionally. I started taking notes.
I’ve learned from watching other men that wives should be loved unconditionally. “Duh,” you might say. Most men understand that we are to love unconditionally, we just don’t know how that plays out in marriage. Many men just think that if they bring home money for food and utilities, they are loving their wives. Other men think by bring flowers and chocolates during the holidays is loving their wives. Still others think that by being faithful sexually is loving their wives. I would say, yes, yes, and yes. But being the husband that loves his wife unconditionally is a far greater matter.
I’ve always been intrigued by Paul’s words to Timothy in his first letter. Right in the middle of his instructions to the church on caring for widows, families, and church elders, he says this:
“But those who won’t care for their relatives, especially those in their own household, have denied the true faith. Such people are worse than unbelievers.” 1 Timothy 5:8
Some versions say, “does not provide for his own”. This word provide is to take ownership of well-being even if it means one personally suffers. It is to look after your family’s needs above your own. Here’s the thing. Most men assume this is financial, ie, food, shelter, and clothing. The word actually covers much more it is a spiritual care, a physical care, and an emotional care. Yes, it’s a big responsibility! This is not to be taken lightly.
Paul’s warming is that to not fully care for one’s family is to reject Christ. It’s to reject God. It is to say to God, “I know you have entrusted me with this wife, kids, and household, but I’m not interested in looking after them.” It is acting worse than an unbeliever – one who rejects Christ outright.
What does this have to do with unconditional love? Everything! When we make a decision to unite our body and soul to a women, it is to be entrusted with her mind, body, and soul. The physical needs as well as the mental and emotional. It is to commit to care no matter the cost and no matter the fatigue it will bring. Many times it’s saying no to our interests and desires in order to care for her wellbeing.
This is not a popular principle among most men and most women for that matter. We have all bought into this wild idea of personal autonomy – the thought that we are individuals and have our personal needs and it doesn’t matter what our partner and mate require. “I need my space”, we hear from couples, and “it’s ‘me’ time”. That’s great for single adults, but it’s crap for married ones. God was very clear when He mapped out His plan. He said that men should leave his parents, hold fast to his wife, and become one flesh with her. This is in the first 2 chapters of Scripture (Genesis 2:24). Jesus affirmed this in Matthew 19:5 when he said that man will leave mom and dad, unite with his wife and become one flesh with her.
This “one flesh” is more than sexual unity. This is two souls, minds, hearts, and affections merging into one person – two becoming one. No longer individuals but a better whole unit together. Weaknesses are exposed and filled by one another. It is not the woman assimilating in into the man or the man into the woman, it is 2 separate entities becoming 1 totally new entity. This is where the confusion and disruptions lie when two broken people come together and try to fix each other. The purpose is missed because each is no longer their own – they are now wholly integrated into another person.
One of the practices Kristi and I have always implemented is to always sleep in the same bed. No matter the argument, disagreement, anger, sadness, or grieving, we always sleep in the same bed. There is something supernatural that happens when two souls are sleeping next to each other. There is a binding and mingling that happens that is unique to the marriage bed. There is sexual intimacy, mental intimacy, soul intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and emotional intimacy. This is what Paul means when he says to take care of your wife.
This took us years to figure out. We struggled with identity and personalization until we realized we were a new person together. Test this out by going on a trip with the guys. It’s not that you are hypocritical or fake when you sit around a campfire and belch, pass gas, and laugh at stupid things; it’s just that being separated from your soulmate, you are no longer that person. If your spouse happens to join you, there will be an obvious shift in your behavior. You are no longer your own, you are now part of a bigger whole.
Two separate people truly merge into a brand new person. Mingles souls. Mingled interest. Mingled worlds.
Ray Rhoton
ray on life 